Just another edition of My Random Thoughts

I really wanted to write tonight but I do not necessarily have a topic to write about. I figured I would just entertain you with some Random Thoughts...

Take a shower...

I am really starting to like Google Chrome. It just makes me happy. Consider me an official convert...

What was he so mad about today?...

I need to find a new mode of transportation...

I want to get rid of this box. Or at least use it to store certain program supplies...

I need to stop working and just focus on the rest of my night...

I need to poop...

I am a big fan of Matt and Kim...

I need to bring back the tennis ball...

Life is intimidating...

The adventure of life is to learn. The purpose of life is to grow. The nature of life is to change. The challenge of life is to overcome. The essence of life is to care. The opportunity of life is to serve. The secret of life is to dare. The spice of life is to befriend. The beauty of life is to give...

I need to figure out this Direct Loan thing...

I love Outside Magazine...

I also love Brett Dennen. Did not expect him to pop up on my Mike Doughty Pandora Radio station. I am very glad that he did...

I think that it is time for me to head home...

Enjoy...

Why I Left

It has been a bit since I last wrote here. I stopped for a reason. I told her about this. She kind of flipped out. She was so worried that I was writing about her and in negative ways. While I do write about her, I absolved a long time ago, not to write here when I am angry or upset. This reaction made me never want to write here again. I am a strong believer that I never want to upset someone. So, when I do, it really upsets me and I have this reaction to not do that action ever again.

Some people are able to just keep doing what they love to do, even when it upsets someone. And there are many times that I am able to do this. I was unable to with Nikki. The way she feels about things means so much to me as a person.

I decided today that I wanted to keep this going. I like doing it. I love my life and I love to share that in a semi-unique way with people. I have beliefs and I am going to write about them. So, hopefully, you will be hearing from me again shortly.

A Return Home

"You can't go home."

Sometimes it is just plain weird to return home. People have always said it is tough to go home. I didn't really know what they meant until this week. I have spent a little over two years away from Iowa now. There have been some extended breaks in Iowa during this time. It always felt good to be home. It still does but it is different this time around.

I started to feel it the first night that I got back. Things were different. I was different. I am sure there are many reasons for this feeling. Many of them have to do with the fact that I don't really consider Iowa my home anymore. That was a hard thought to swallow. It also felt really good to think that. My home has become where I am. Where I laid my head is home.

My mind has been other places while I have been home as well. Whether it is Nikki or my future in traveling (which I have been thinking about a lot), I have been constantly thinking of places that are not where I am. I am not being present here in the moment. This is a huge part of the weirdness that has been created. And then there is Camp Hantesa.

Tonight I will be heading to Camp Hantesa for the first time since I left. I have been back to visit before but never with kids there. It has always been in the off-season just to visit T. This will be a very different experience. It will also be the first time that I am not involved in the program. I am just a visitor. It is no secret that I am a little bit nervous about this. It will be very good to see everyone but it will also be so different. So very different.

Everything comes down to me being a different person these days. I want different things in my life. I am going after different things. I believe in different things than I once did. I have to reconcile that. It is very tough to leave things behind. It is very hard to be ok with the person you are becoming knowing that it means leaving behind things and people that you love. I am ok with it while I am away from these people and places. I now need to be ok with coming back and enjoying the time I spend at home. Everyone hear means the world to me and always will. I just need to be present with them while I am hear. And soon it will be longer between the times that I see them.

Time to live in the here and now. Be with the ones I love and live these moments for what they are. EXTRAordinary moments.

Some more Random Thoughts

I figured that I would give some random thoughts after a summer of summer camp...

I am really happy that I did this...

I am so glad to have her back...

There was nothing to worry about when it comes to my excitement level...

I got sunburned today. It is already starting to burn...

Meeting friends can get kind of awkward at times...

The hunger has set in. Must get some food soon...

I really want pizza...

The Braintrust will continue to live on...

Mike Doughty is really really good...

I may only be typing this right now as a way to pass time while I wait on Nikki...

The label is just for everyone else to tell us what we are...

Still very hungry. I may eat my computer...

The Braves better start winning again soon or they will lose the entire season in the month of July...

Happy. Very happy...

How does one convey the excitement that is felt?

I am in this situation where I am very excited to see someone soon. It may be almost a week away but I seriously cannot wait for her to come back. I am not sad that she is gone but just really happy that she will be coming back and that I get to be back around her. She is definitely a highlight of each day that I see her.

I have been very excited for her while she has been gone. I envy her and I think about her often, all the while hoping that things are going great for her. I miss her smile. I miss our little conversations about nothing in particular. I am most excited to just be around her. To see her everyday again.

I may sound like a sap right now but I cannot help how I feel about this. I have adapted to her being gone but now all I was is to see her and go on trips with her and go to dinner and fall asleep watching a movie. All of these things that people in "normal" relationships get to do all of the time. I want that. I am excited to have that soon.

The problem is that I am not sure how to convey that to her. In case you have not noticed, I am not an overly expressive person. That makes it hard for me to express my excitement for things. This often gets me into trouble when people do not think that I care about what they are saying to me. So, how do I show her how excited I am to see her? I also do not want her to think that I have been pining after her for the last month. I have missed her but my life has been pretty good without her around.

So how do I tell her all of this? More importantly, how do I show her all of this?

I will just be me and she will know.

Time to Unload

I have a lot going on in my mind right now and it is overwhelming me to the point where I need to unload some random thoughts on the world...

Today is harder than yesterday. That is not saying much since yesterday was a great day...

WancaKart may be the best activity I have ever done at a camp...

My mind is on you a lot today...

Did that really just happen?...

I do not always like being left out of the loop...

I hope that no one was hurt...

I am lost in this moment right now...

Each day is different in how I feel about this...

I want to go on a trip with you so bad right now. We should make this happen at the end of summer...

I am so proud of all of the Senior Boys right now...

I'm Not Afraid...

You need to put your shoes on young man...

I really do like my secrets...

Must find a way to make this happen...

That is a cheap ticket. I hope the dates work out right...

I miss you...

Time to Man Up...

Revisiting Goals

At the beginning of May, I set some bold goals. Each one was one that I thought would be possible at that time. A lot has changed since I made those goals. That is not to say that I do not want to accomplish them, the time tables just need to change. My job structure has changed, a new person has come into my life, and I have been unable to run for the last 3 weeks due to a nagging calf injury. Here is an update on where I am at with each of those goals.

• Lose 20 pounds by August - This one was accomplished by the beginning of June. The trick from now on is just maintaining it. I am very proud that I was able to do this.
  
• Run in 3 5ks by October - This one will have to change since I have been unable to run any 5ks since I made this goal. I starting working summer camp and have less free time to run them and this injury is definitely putting me back. I will amend this goal to be Run 1 5k by October.
• Participate in a Triathlon next summer - I believe this one is still doable as long as there not something seriously wrong with my calf. Lets keep this goal for the time being.
• Participate in the 24 hours of Moab within 2 years - Definitely still doable. I am confidant that I can make this happen. I am still looking for interested parties willing to join me on this adventure.
• Find a cause to do this for - I have found my cause. I have decided to do all of this in the name of research for Heart Disease and Cancer. There will be one that will be completely devoted to Transplants as well. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do this for these causes as they are affecting me the most and affect the most people in the world.
  

There will always be time for these goals and I am still committed. I also have decided not to create another blog that is devoted to it as this is an extension of who I am. I might as well keep it all together. So all future updates will come through here. I will also eventually put up a place where people can donate and such. Keep coming back for more updates as well as random ramblings on my life.

A New Era of Contentment

I am in a new era of contentment. I am very happy in what I am doing with my life, as well as who am involved with during this time. I am starting to find who I am more and more each day. There is support from all sides while I do this and knowing that makes this so much easier.

I am also in a summer of Inspiration. That is the theme I have chosen for myself and wells those that I work with. How do we inspire? How do we inspire others to inspire others? It is the Pay it Forward concept on a different level. I look for inspiration everywhere and I wonder how it is that I can inspire anyone. I look for a new way to inspire everyday. There are days that are harder than others. Today is one of those days. I am finding it hard to stay awake and motivated right now. I need more sleep.

There is so much to be happy about. So much good in my life. I could try and be vague but there is a certain person that came into my life that really makes it that much better. She is off on a trip now but I am not sad about it. I am excited for her. I miss having her around (though that is much less in the last couple weeks) but she will come back and I look forward to that day. I really didn't expect to connect with her the way that I have. I can't help but say how much I do enjoy her company and the conversations we have.

It is not very often in life that you are able to meet someone and know the connection is there without saying a word. To know that we are on the same page and that very little needs to be said to be understood. She has said that she sees things in me that I thought now one saw. I have always wanted someone to SEE ME. I know she does.

Those are just a few of the reasons for this New Era of Contentment.

A Long Week.

It has been a very long week. A tremendous one that I thoroughly enjoyed. I have had great conversations and seen great things done by great young people. I have met people in ways I didn't know was possible. There were surprises in the least likely of places. I connected on many levels with many people.

This was the kind of week that fills you with hopes and dreams. Your imagination begins to run wild with thoughts of the future and present mixed together. You have to gather yourself many times and relocate to the actual present and what those conditions are.

My brain is muddled mess of thoughts, reactions, beliefs, and dreams. All of them are seemingly flowing right into the next one. I don't always know if what I am thinking is imagination or reality. I have hopes and dreams that are apart of these thoughts that I hope are true.

I really need to find a space to take it easy and reflect. I think I will do that now...

Pure Random Thoughts

I have a desire to write in this mediocre attempt at a blog but I cannot think of a single worthwhile thing to write about. So, I thought that I would entertain you with some random thoughts...

There are days that I wish that everything was easy...

It is so much easier to be honest when no one is around to here you...

I am enjoying Merlin (BBC TV Series)...

Each day I wake up wondering if this is the day that I truly change the way people see me. If I wake up this way each day, it means that yesterday was the day nothing changed...

I am really wishing that I lived at camp right now. Life would be so much easier for me...

While I want to help make it work, I really don't want to do what I am being asked to do...

I find myself thinking I hate things and then feeling bad that I do because I hate that word and what it means...

Tonight is not a happy night...

I miss how it feels...

I need to make sure they know how I feel...

Life was looking better a couple weeks ago...

Good Night all...

One Great Moment

Today something amazing happened to me. In a day that was up and down, confusing, and irritating, there was a ray of sunshine that blew me away. That ray of sunshine came from the unlikeliest place, a 5th grader.

This 5th grader does not always have the best days. He does not always want to do things. To say he is "rough around the edges" would hardly explain what he goes through on a daily basis. Despite all of the challenges that he has, he is a survivor. I love this kid. He makes it happen. He wants to be different. He is trying to be his best. He just needs the support.

I have not seen him for weeks until today. I did not know he was going to show up. He was the first one off the bus and RAN straight for me and just jumped into this huge hug. It was astounding. He had this huge smile. It was so easy to tell that he was just so happy to be there. I could tell that he was happy to see me. He was happy to be in a place that he loves with people that care about him.

That moment, that lasted a total of 10 seconds, was the single greatest moment of the last month. Those moments are the reason I do what I do. I will forever remember this moment and what it did for me personally.

Thank you for that moment.

Some days are just better than others.

Today was not a great day. I woke up feeling alright after a crappy nights sleep and then just went down hill from the moment I got to the office. I do not like being angry. I do not like days like this. I feel bad for me and those around me.

I try hard not to let it show but I know it does. Then I feel bad for those that are around me. My job suffers. My relationships suffer. I suffer. These are the tough days. The days when the darkness starts to creep in. When the people around me can do very little right by me. I start to analyze every detail that everyone says. I begin to see faults where there are none. I begin losing confidence in myself.

This is all negative though. This is what I do not want. All I need is a little sleep and some water. Tomorrow will be better. There is no doubt in my mind.

While this post may not be my best addition, it is an addition nonetheless and I feel that as long as I am writing, the good stuff will come. Here are some random thoughts for the first time in this location...

It was easier before all this happened...

I am sorry that happened, I am embarrassed...

This has been a rare good talk...

I wish there was no need for money...

What would the world be like if you didn't need money for anything?...

Today is a rest day and it is much needed...

I need to clean...

I need to shower...

Wish the cable was working. Though, my internet works and that is weird since they are from the same company...

Glad I am not planning a baby shower. That sounds so awful...

It is time to get some real rest...

Enjoy...

A New Direction

Since I am in the process of ending the other blog I might as well put a link up for you to the other blog so that you can read past posts of mine. I also have driven my life in a new direction in a matter of a couple days. It is high on my list of priorities at the moment. I will be making it happen. All I need from you is a little help. There will be more information coming within this blog shortly. Until then, this is where I am with this project.

My Random Thoughts

The fate of this blog?

I have come to a crossroads when it comes to this blog. Everything I intended it to be, it never became. I have never had the resolve to keep it going. That is okay, for I gave it a try. Sometimes that is all that you can do it life is try. I even gave it a good faith effort but never found myself carving out time to make this blog happen. That is what this kind of blog deserves.

As a result, I am changing things up. I am ending The Critic in Me. In reality what I should have done is have both of my blogs going together as both are my perspective on the world both big and small. I should just writing my ramblings in one blog. I will do this from this day out.

The location of this new blog will be here. The title will change to My Random Thoughts as it is more indicative of what I am writing here. I will still have my ramblings of my favorite this as well as my general life philosophy and the continuing mediocre commentary on the state of my own life.

I appreciate all that came and read this blog and I hope you continue to do so.

The Glory that is PostSecret

Every Sunday morning I wake up and turn on my computer on the way to the bathroom. I begin to brew some coffee and have a seat at my computer. I go through my regular motions of websites by hitting the morning coffee button on my browser. The usuals include ESPN.com, The Morning News, Woot.com, CNN, Facebook, Gmail, and Aint it Cool News. I do the obligatory surfing that leads to other websites through my originals, all connecting to a theme. The coffee is finished and I go make my normal cup which includes both sugar and cream. The ratio of sugar and cream varies on the day and mood. I sit back down at my computer, coffee in hand and on Sundays only, I get a special treat, PostSecret.

I love Sunday mornings and this website is one of the main reasons. It is a website dedicated to people sharing secrets anonymously through postcards. I love this idea. Every Sunday morning I wake up excited to read them but only after I have my coffee in my hand. It is a ritual that I find very satisfying. I find myself connecting with others secrets in ways I am unable to in real life at times. I feel that, at times, it is easier and means more when you do not know the person who shares in the same troubles/joys.

So take a look at the website and join the masses in gravitating to anonymous secrets on Sunday Mornings. It is beautiful.