A Return Home

"You can't go home."

Sometimes it is just plain weird to return home. People have always said it is tough to go home. I didn't really know what they meant until this week. I have spent a little over two years away from Iowa now. There have been some extended breaks in Iowa during this time. It always felt good to be home. It still does but it is different this time around.

I started to feel it the first night that I got back. Things were different. I was different. I am sure there are many reasons for this feeling. Many of them have to do with the fact that I don't really consider Iowa my home anymore. That was a hard thought to swallow. It also felt really good to think that. My home has become where I am. Where I laid my head is home.

My mind has been other places while I have been home as well. Whether it is Nikki or my future in traveling (which I have been thinking about a lot), I have been constantly thinking of places that are not where I am. I am not being present here in the moment. This is a huge part of the weirdness that has been created. And then there is Camp Hantesa.

Tonight I will be heading to Camp Hantesa for the first time since I left. I have been back to visit before but never with kids there. It has always been in the off-season just to visit T. This will be a very different experience. It will also be the first time that I am not involved in the program. I am just a visitor. It is no secret that I am a little bit nervous about this. It will be very good to see everyone but it will also be so different. So very different.

Everything comes down to me being a different person these days. I want different things in my life. I am going after different things. I believe in different things than I once did. I have to reconcile that. It is very tough to leave things behind. It is very hard to be ok with the person you are becoming knowing that it means leaving behind things and people that you love. I am ok with it while I am away from these people and places. I now need to be ok with coming back and enjoying the time I spend at home. Everyone hear means the world to me and always will. I just need to be present with them while I am hear. And soon it will be longer between the times that I see them.

Time to live in the here and now. Be with the ones I love and live these moments for what they are. EXTRAordinary moments.